Mom signals for me to scoot over to the side, and I do so. She sits down, adjusting her long hair as it spills forward. I curiously stare at her, unaware of what she could possibly be about to talk to me about.
She doesn’t seem angry, in fact, she seems to be more at peace than anything, as if everything that just happened a few minutes ago was nothing but a fake memory. Her breaths are steady as she looks upon the pond with a grin on her face.
I’m not quite sure how to approach this situation. I can’t exactly pretend like nothing happened, but I also don’t really want to acknowledge what I did. Now that I have context that this is a dream, maybe it’s for the better that I just don’t say anything at all.
Sighing, I look at the pond with her.
Yeah… maybe this is the peace that I’ve been seeking out for years. Ever since I killed my parents, I’ve longed for a day where I could just sit idly and watch the time pass by. If this world is a dream, then maybe it’s making one I’ve had come true, even for a moment.
Succumbing to resignation, I lean back on the bench.
“You really hurt him, you know.” she says.
My dull mind takes an entire second to process her words. If someone else were to have told me that, I probably would have lashed out at them. But for some reason, I don’t feel any frustration or annoyance towards her.
Is it because she’s my mom? Or is it because I’m out of energy?
Regardless, I look at her for a split second before turning my gaze back to the pond. She’s waiting for my response patiently. I remember Mom being much more aggressive, never once hesitating to scold me. But for some reason, after I’ve committed what seems like a grave sin, she just sits there… waiting.
I take a deep breath, articulating the words in my mind as slowly and precisely as possible. If this dream version of my mom wants me to open up and talk about it, I suppose I have no choice but to indulge her.
“He hurt Albo. I was just returning the favor.”
She nods. “Your father told me about that just now.”
“After you ran away, I tried to chase behind you. That’s when your dad grabbed me by the wrist and frantically told me, ‘she’s hurting a lot, her best friend is hurt.’”
“Honestly,” she chuckles before continuing, “he acts carefree and dumb, but he’s actually really attentive.”
“I… never noticed,” I reply while sulking. In more ways than one, I feel bad for even thinking that the person who I consist half of could possibly be dumb. He always acts oblivious, and even the Albo stuff he just brushed off, so I just assumed he wasn’t taking me seriously enough.
“Back when we were in the ninth grade, your dad and I used to hang out with this group of people. I had just gotten mad at your grandmother for not letting me go on a trip with them to a nearby city.”
“I made jokes about it and everyone else laughed. But he didn’t.”
“He pulled me aside and asked me if everything was okay.”
I nod along.
“Of course, I didn’t want to sour the mood, so I said everything was okay.”
“He made this reallyyyyy sad face and walked away, ready to go with our friends.”
“Then, suddenly, he started feeling really unwell.”
“That’s some timing,” I add, and she nods.
“So his friends teased him and went on the trip without us. Your father’s parents were rarely home, so I had to take him to mine to treat him.”
“But the moment we stepped through my front door, he started walking around like nothing happened, shouting and being his usual annoying self.”
She laughs. “I remember getting really mad at him. I told him that he should have gone on the trip, and that he shouldn’t have stayed back for my sake.”
“I told him, ‘I don’t want you to miss out on potential great memories for my sake!’ But he just replied with, ‘I want to make memories with you.’”
My face distorts, cringing at her story. I’m sure to her it’s a relatively wholesome story. Actually, for most people, it probably is. But the fact that I’m their daughter means I had to endure so many years of their over-affection for one another. I thought I mastered being able to not show a reaction, but I guess being on my own for years really softened me up.
“He knew I was upset and was doing everything in my power to hide it. So what did he do? He went and took me out to our favorite restaurant, saying that he’s not only craving it, but that it was essential to his healing process.”
“At that point, I obviously didn’t believe him, but I went along with it anyway.”
She places her hand on my head, brushing it side to side with her small, cold hands. A strong sense of nostalgia overpowers me, as I can feel my eyelids growing heavier and heavier. The last time she did this for me was back when I was little.
“Your dad has a great heart. Which is why, when I saw you again today in that alley, I couldn’t help but feel joy at the fact that my daughter’s grown up to be such a fine young lady. You’re half him, after all.”
“But I bet you feel disgusted at what I did to Sulva,” I quietly reply.
She sighs through her nose. “I’m not alien to that face you made earlier either.”
I widen my eyes, reacting to her statement. “Huh?”
“Despite being such a sweet, lovely angel today, I used to be quite the angry little kid, believe it or not,” she states with a smile. I’m going to ignore that first part, since it’s a little weird that she would compliment herself to that level, but her claims leave me shocked and out of words.
“But I managed to overcome that dark aspect of my life. Your dad also had his dark moments. But life is all about growing past those hardships and moving forward. I never actually beat anyone up like you did just now, but one thing was absolutely obvious.”
“Obvious…?” I mumble.
“Each punch you threw, each shout, and every time you stepped forward in your sprint, I could clearly hear your heart shattering into a million pieces.”
“So when your Dad told me you were hurting, everything snapped into place. It was something I knew deep down in my heart, but all I needed was to get that last bit of confirmation to accept what your reality was.”
“That’s why I didn’t run after you. You needed a bit more time before I came bombarding you with a lecture.”
“And I was going to lecture you, believe it or not! But the more I thought about it, the more it felt like I would be hurting you even more.”
She extends her hand out, letting the rain drip into her palm. “Then there’s this rain. I know it’s not possible, but for some reason, it felt like the world was feeling your pain as well. You’ve never been a crybaby, but you’d always bottle up your emotions until the very last second.”
“So I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could be of some comfort, and help you open up.”
“I know we’re in a fake world. But that doesn’t mean my love for you is any fake.”
My ears perk at her last sentence. “Wait, you knew?! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was going to tell you back in the alley. But what kind of mother would I be if I shattered my own daughter’s happiness? I saw that smile you made, it was just so adorable that I would feel like a world-class criminal if I broke the bad news.”
I’m flabbergasted. I can’t believe that I was the only person in the world who didn’t know this world was fake. All this time, I’ve been trying to decipher where I was, and all I needed to do was just ask.
My nose starts to sting from the inside, and my heart begins to feel heavier. I try to speak, but my lips quiver, not from fear, but from the sheer overload of emotions that are rapidly seeping out throughout my body.
Following up on the initial physical reactions, I start to tear up. The rain dripping down from the wooden roof above does very little to mask it. Finally, I manage to say a few words, my voice breaking with every other word.
“I’m sorry… I ruined our only moment together.”
“I wanted to spend time with you, I really did.”
“But I’ve been so focused on saving Albo.”
“And I wanted to do everything I could to enjoy my time with you.”
“But I couldn’t help but feel guilty about what I did to you.”
“I just wanted to apologize to you ever since that day. Even when I first saw you, I wanted to get down on my knees and beg you for forgiveness. But no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t do it.”
“I wanted you to forgive me, or hate me. Because at least then, I would have some closure for my actions. At least then, I would know if I should feel bad for the rest of my life, or move on from my mistakes.”
“But no matter what I did, no matter what I tried to say, I just couldn’t do it!”
“Why?! Why couldn’t I do it?! Why can’t I do it now?!”
“Every time I try to say it, my heart stops me.”
I feel her arms wrap around me. Her body draws closer, the warmth from underneath her skin quickly spreading to me as well. We’re so close that I can barely hear her heartbeat. All the while, I still feel her hands brushing against the back of my head.
“It’s because deep down inside, you’ve known our answer already.”
Her words shatter something in me. I can’t describe what it is, but I can’t help but finally let my emotions explode as I start wailing in tears. My nostrils immediately clog themselves, as I constantly sniffle to keep the excess mucus inside.
“We know how you feel, Saya. We’ve known ever since we died.”
“You feel bad for killing us, and I bet you wish you could go back and undo it. But you know, your father and I aren’t mad at you for that accident, nor are we sad that we left the world too early.”
“Because the time we spent together was all that mattered to us. You put so much of your focus and attention into seeking forgiveness from us, but we never once felt like we needed to forgive you. Since there was nothing to forgive.”
“We love you. Every second we spent together felt so precious, and nothing in this world can ever take that feeling away from either of us. Even if fate took us away from you, it doesn’t diminish even a second of us pouring our love into you.”
I try to muster up some words, but no matter what I try to do, I just can’t stop crying. It’s an endless stream of tears pouring down onto my mother’s clothes, and at this point, I’ve given up even trying to keep the snot back in my nose.
“You blame yourself for killing us, but accidents happen. There isn’t a single person in the world who hasn’t had an accident. Besides, you were a curious kid who wanted nothing more than to explore all the world had to offer.”
“You had to move to that small village for the sake of our family, and in many ways, we feel bad for robbing you of the childhood that we had. We were first-time parents too, after all.”
“Neither me nor your father hates you for what you did.”
///
“But listen to me, Saya. If you get stuck in the past for too long, you’ll worsen your vision of the future. We didn’t give birth to you because we wanted you to be like us, we wanted you to be the best of both of us. And so far, from what I’m seeing, you’ve definitely grown into such a fine, responsible young lady.”
“I knew the moment you hugged me that you weren’t the same Saya I once knew. After all, you were so much more mischievous and bratty back then!” she laughs, offsetting my ugly crying. She pulls back slightly and looks at me.
“I just wish we were there to help you get back up whenever life would knock you down. You even lost an entire arm for the sake of saving your best friend.”
“You… knew…?” I ask.
“Of course, we see everything! Whenever we came into this strange city, we had all the memories of your adventures and life. I’m not sure why, but it made us both hyper-aware of all you’ve gone through.”
Is it because I pulled their strings? Whenever I use my Soul Sight and pull on a thread, their bodies are reduced into nothing but blue particles, reuniting with what I’ve always assumed to be the Manastream.
Maybe I just didn’t notice the same blue particles when I killed them, since it all happened so fast. Their bodies definitely didn’t disintegrate, since I remember hanging onto their sliced flesh with my own two hands.
She sighs, “Life is hard, and even though you feel like your best isn’t enough sometimes, that doesn’t mean that you’ve hit your limit.”
“When you were a kid, I mean, younger than what you are right now, you used to bring small paper crafts to me. They were folded up to a certain point, and you’d come home sulking, begging me to help you out.”
“You’d complain that, despite doing your best, things just didn’t work out in your favor. So what did I do? I helped you, of course! And we finished that bird together!”
Ah, I remember what she’s talking about. It’s a little messy, but that’s probably when I was five years old. Every part of my body wanted to cry that day, but I didn’t want anyone to see and tease me for it. So instead, when mom and I finished the bird, I went back to school the next day with a big smirk on my face.
Everyone was impressed, but the only person who saw through my facade was…
“Every bit of effort you give,” she interrupts my train of thought, and continues, “each limit that you hit, they all drip sparkles of hope until eventually, they all melt together to create the best person ever.”
“What starts with small drips of gold eventually forms a statue. While people passing by that statue only recognize its external beauty, only the sculptor knows how much effort it took for them to create such a piece.”
“Other people won’t be able to tell how much struggle you’ve been through emotionally and physically just by looking at you. Though, I feel like your missing arm kinda sends the physical message quite well.”
“But if hitting a limit was the end, then the world would have never progressed in the way it did. All you need to do is find a way to lift your head up, and try again.”
“We don’t blame you for the accident, and we’re certainly more than proud of you for getting as far as you did in life without us.”
Wiping off my tears with my arm, I mumble shyly, “I had a bit of help from Albo. He always covers for me here and there… I owe him a ton, which is why I’ve been so dedicated to trying to save him…”
“That boy!” she exclaims, squirming her body in delight. “He’s such a sweetheart! I’m glad there’s someone in this world that loves our daughter as much as we do.”
Her voice turns back to serious. “You’ll find a way to save him, I know you will. You’re our child, after all! But even if you don’t, just know his love for you, and our love for you, will never ever fade so long as there’s Mana in this world.”
“There’s nothing wrong with crying. Whatever happens at the start or the middle isn’t what matters the most. It’s how it ends.”
“The fact that you’re crying, just means you haven’t run away. As long as you can smile at the end, then everything will be okay.”
She stands up. It takes me a second to notice the rain finally letting up, with the sun’s rays slowly creeping through the dark clouds above.
“We’re proud of you, my precious baby girl.”
“Maybe the reason why you turned into a kid in this dream was not because of some weird, magical interference, but because in our eyes, you’ll always be a cute little baby bun. It would break my heart to see you all grown up with nothing but darkness and despair in your eyes.”
“The only wish I’ve had ever since giving birth to you was that if things ever got rough, you’d rely on us to help you out. Maybe this is the world’s way of finally answering that wish!”
“No matter where you are, if you ever fall into another pit, we’ll still find a way to pull you back out. So don’t worry and keep going, and keep giving your absolute best. Because at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.”
“My pride and joy, my daughter, Saya Idlansil.”
Her silhouette shines under the now clear skies. The clear water in the pond shimmers brightly, sparking something within my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time. But now that I think about it, Redus also told me he was glad I was finally smiling.
I wonder how long I’ve had this gloom on my face for. Whenever I save Albo, I’ll be sure to ask him, and apologize to him for being such a pain in the ass of a friend.
“Let’s go and figure out how to get you back out into the real world,” she says while extending her arm. With a smile on my face, I accept her offer. She pulls me back onto my feet, so hard, in fact, that I start to lose my balance.
But before I can stumble forward and fall, she catches me with both her hands inserted just underneath my armpits. I look at her. There’s so much obvious happiness gleaming out of her face.
Giggling, she says, “See? I got you.”
Her words echo in my mind, sending my consciousness through time, remembering something I had long forgotten. At first, I struggle to figure out where and when I’ve heard those exact words. Being so caught up in the aftermath, I completely forgot about what happened just before I pulled their threads.
I was crawling across the carriage, and with how bumpy the road was, my small body kept flinging from side to side. That’s when she caught me, her body twisted halfway to face me behind her.
Ah, yeah. She said the exact same thing just before she died.
Her last words.