I take a bite of my food, sliding the cube of meat off the stick it was skewered on. As my teeth bite down, the juices spray inside my mouth. The texture is just as I imagined. If everything tasted this good, I would never be disappointed with food in my life.
Unfortunately, the food at the academy wasn’t that great, despite what Albo constantly tries to claim. Bread and meat is just a regular sandwich, but I suppose the fact that we grew up poor makes him far more grateful for the food placed in front of him.
It’s not like I hated it. It just wasn’t as good as he made it out to be.
He loves food. He loves the act of eating, too.
Which is why…
I never expected to meet someone far more gluttonous than he is.
“So good…”
Hana says as she takes another bite of her food, her entire body shaking in delight.
Despite her inhuman eating speed, not a single crumb falls to the ground or onto her clothes. I swear I can almost see afterimages in the air, speed mirages created by her overly optimized movements.
I suppose this is what a real pro looks like. But still, how much cheese can she eat? Just looking at it would make me full on cheese alone, let alone all the meat.
It’s not just beef and cheese either. It’s all kinds of meats stacked together, including fried food.
The storekeeper didn’t bother to put all the fried pieces on top, so by now the beef juices and melted cheese have probably soaked through the batter.
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my mouth doesn’t open that wide, so five skewers are just enough to fill me up. It was a hard first day, but at the rate I’m going, there’s no doubt I’ll start going crazy soon.
As I get lost in my thoughts, the world around me begins to close in as I retreat into myself.
My appetite nearly disappears, replaced by the heavy image of Albo lying in that bed. My shoulders draw inward instinctively, as if I can shield my hollowing chest from the weight pressing against it.
Thoughts begin circling, relentless, unforgiving. One scenario bleeds into another, each feeding the next until bitter self-disappointment grows inside me like poison.
It feels like a cold fist squeezing around my heart, tightening until my breath fractures into shallow, frantic bursts that barely reach my lungs.
Every thought forces a hard swallow against the lump rising in my throat. My jaw clenches so tightly my teeth begin to creak.
I sigh, playing with the wooden end of my skewer, twisting it around the plate as if wrapping something up.
I bite down on my lower lip, and the sharp sting of pain is the only thing keeping me anchored while the world pulses and shrinks around me.
“Are you thinking about your friend?”
Hana’s voice snaps me free.
This is the third time someone at the castle has woken me from a trance of nonstop thought.
I lift my head just enough to see her eyes, but something within me stops me, preventing me from fully making eye contact. My gaze settles on her chest instead, like a child being scolded for committing some unforgivable sin.
I nod slowly. My eyes drop lower with every passing second.
Hana sets her utensil down and leans back in her chair, crossing her arms as she fixes me with a sullen look.
“Listen… what I said the other day.”
Her voice softens, the sharpness dulling as she searches for the right words.
“I want you to know what you’re going through is completely normal. You want to be strong enough to bring back your friend.”
Her fingers tap idly against her bicep.
“But if you push yourself too hard, you’ll lose yourself in the process as well. And by that point, all the sacrifices your friend made, it would all be for nothing.”
I inhale sharply before speaking.
“He tried to save me from the mud-man and paid the price for it.”
My voice comes out low and quiet, like I am ashamed of the words themselves. If Hana were not isolating the sound around us, the noise of the market would have swallowed me whole.
“Shouldn’t I be giving it my absolute best to give back what I owe?” I ask, my right foot nervously tapping the ground at a rapid pace.
Hana leans forward and places her hand on the table, palm open, silently inviting me to take it.
My hand lifts slowly. It hovers in midair, hesitation creeping into my fingers before I finally let them meet hers.
The moment our hands touch, warmth spreads from her gloved palm into my fingers. It is not hot enough to burn, but it stands in quiet defiance of the cold air around us.
“Doing your best and pushing yourself aren’t the same thing, Saya.”
“His comatose state isn’t your fault. Yes, he might’ve gotten cursed trying to defend you, but that doesn’t mean your skills or capabilities are to blame.”
“Imagine if the roles were reversed.”
“How would you feel if you woke up only to find that the friend you once loved and adored had become a completely different person?”
My face remains still, but inside my mind I am already drifting.
When I woke up at the castle, confusion swallowed me whole. My head was crammed with a million questions.
If I woke up in an unfamiliar place, with strange people all around me and no memories of what had just happened, the first thing I’d want is to see a familiar face. But what if that familiar face appeared before me? He has the same eyes, the same brows, the same nose, but not the same smile.
Would he be the same person I knew all this time? Or would it feel like an impostor who took over his body?
“See?” Hana continues.
“It’s okay to feel like you’re doing something wrong. And if you want to make it your life’s goal to fix what you messed up, then that’s okay too.”
“But the moment you lose yourself chasing that goal, you’re not only betraying yourself, you’re betraying the person you’re doing all this for.”
“I had a friend once who was obsessed with saving her friends as well.”
“She took a deal she shouldn’t have, and…”
She pauses. A faint tremor travels through her hand, the vibration transferring to mine.
I try to pull my hand back, thinking she needs space, but her fingers tighten gently, keeping me locked in place. The small motion snaps her out of her thoughts.
“She took a deal… and we’re no longer friends.”
“I lost someone special that day too, and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could go back and stop her.”
“She’s not dead. If I really wanted to, I could go to where she’s living right now and tear the contract she made straight out of her soul.”
“But if I did that, I wouldn’t be the same Hana anymore.”
“Because the moment I strip away her freedom to choose, I betray who I am and what I believe in.”
“The person my husband fell in love with and the honor that the Queen trusted me with would all be gone.”
“So please, live for yourself first and for others second.”
“Otherwise, you’ll end up living for nobody.”
Her grip loosens, and slides her hand away.
The space between us stretches into something vast and hollow, even though we sit only inches apart. We both fall into silence.
She had planned to be the steady mentor I could lean on. I can see that now. But she is not so different from me. Maybe it’s because I’ve known myself my whole life, but she struggles to open her heart to others as well.
As much as I appreciate it… I’m sorry, Miss Hana.
I can’t follow your advice.
When I live for myself, nothing ever goes the way I expect it to.
Unfortunately, I’m stubborn and hate living for myself. The only reason I even got this far is because I had an anchor to keep me grounded in life. I had a beacon of light to follow.
If that beacon disappears, then what’s next for me? What should I do next?
He’s my best friend, and I’m going to do all it takes to bring him back. I owe it to him, after all he’s done for me.
Because if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
But living for myself doesn’t mean that I have to change. You’re right about that. Which is why I’m going to keep going without losing myself in the process.
Which is why…
“I’m going to keep going.”
My voice cuts through the silence.
“When he wakes up, I want him to see me as the same person he’s known for over a decade.”
“To be honest, Miss Hana…” I swallow. “I don’t know if I’m sharing too much, but I’ve always struggled to open up to people.”
My shoulders tremble.
“And honestly… I think I’ve always relied on Albo to be the voice I couldn’t find within myself.”
“That’s probably why I’ve felt so lost all my life.”
I blink rapidly, forcing myself to continue.
“He was always someone who understood me when I couldn’t put my emotions into words.”
“In a way, he was kinda like a guide for me.”
My hands flex before falling into my lap.
“But with him gone for now, I have so many thoughts and so many paths I want to take.”
“I don’t have a clear direction,” I breathe sharply, “and honestly, I think I want to change that.”
“Thinking about it now, I feel like I’m really limiting myself by being like this.”
“I want to be someone who can speak up and talk for myself.”
“If I change, that’s the one thing about me that I want him to see.”
My gaze drops before lifting again.
“I want to be more confident, and when he wakes up, that’s the first thing I want him to notice.”
Hana smiles and sits upright.
“I believe in you.”
Those four words hit me like something physical, pulling back the heavy curtain that had smothered my heart. Like fresh water washing away the stains on a dirty dish, clarity rushes into my mind.
The world returns all at once. Like a mechanical device, different parts of my body snap back into place.
The scent of grilled meat floods my nose. The cold wind snaps against my cheeks. The air feels fresh for the first time since I arrived in this city. My shoulders lift, and my spine straightens.
I’ve never noticed the sunlight gleaming off the water in the canals, but just glancing at its light gives me a sensation of hope.
“Saya.”
I turn toward her, and we finally make eye contact. It wasn’t something planned, but something I couldn’t do just minutes ago now comes to me naturally. It shouldn’t have been that hard, but it was.
But I’m glad it’s easy now.
Her gaze is intense. Nobody besides Albo has ever looked at me like that. My legs refuse to stay still as nervous heat creeps over my skin. This isn’t the same nervousness as an animal afraid for its life, but rather the feeling of being seen under a passionate stare.
Dear Eudoxia, her smile is hypnotizing. She’s beautiful enough to make me question my own sexuality. How did KL even manage to score someone as divine as her?
I have no doubt she has plenty of fans who would love to experience what I’m experiencing right now.
I’m sorry to all the Sword Saint fans, but I’m going to take advantage of this situation and stare a little longer.
Finally, she moves her lips, and a string of unfathomable words slips out of her mouth.
“If you’re not going to eat that, can I have it?”
…
Ah, right. I forgot that despite being a near goddess of beauty, she is also a titanic glutton. Our talk distracted me, but now that my mind is clear, the elephant in the room has completely disappeared.
The mountain of food that once towered between us is gone.
I glance down at the white plate before her. There is not a single drop of sauce, not a fragment of fried batter, not even a charred end of steak.
If someone handed me the plate without prior context, I would just assume it was brand-new and freshly cleaned.
She really ate everything, and now she wants my food.
Before she can ask again, I grab my remaining skewers and lift them protectively toward my face.
“Sorry. This is mine.”
She pushes back her chair and stands, stretching her arms high into the air.
“Fine! When we get back to the castle, we’re upping the intensity of your training.”
I chew rapidly, my gaze fixated on her exaggerated movements. She really does remind me of Albo. Is this what awaits me when he gets older?
“Bet you’re saying that because you’re mad I didn’t share.”
I stand and start walking back toward the castle, swiping the last cube of meat off the stick. If she wants to intensify my training, that only benefits me in the long run.
“Fine, I guess I’ll ask the kitchen to make me some more food,” she mutters behind me.
With lunchtime nearly over, the people who came out for a break slowly start making their way back to their homes or workplaces, dissolving the crowd. It’s almost as if we were all in a queue, finishing our meals at the same time.
As I walk, something flickers in front of me.
“-ngh…”
For a brief instant, I see mirages of myself walking in different directions.
They stand frozen, as if drawn frame by frame in a painting. In some, I wear different clothes. In others, my face looks completely different.
I rub my eyes, trying to clear the piercing headache rushing from my eyes to my mind. I blink once, and instantly, the mirages vanish and the world sharpens again.
“Was that my Soul Sight?” I mumble.
It can’t be. The world would have sunk into what feels like a different dimension if it were. But everything remains unchanged, aside from the mirages of myself that appeared before me.
I let my curiosity linger as Hana taps my lower back, signaling for me to move forward. Her poke is direct, almost precise, but my overly sensitive skin reacts instantly, forcing a sharp yelp out of me before I can stop it.
The sensation shoots up my spine in a way that feels far more dramatic than it should.
With soft laughter, light and warm like a fresh pastry just pulled from the oven, she slips past me, clearly amused. There’s something effortless about the way she moves, like she’s always half a step ahead of the world around her.
She takes the lead without another word, hands clasped loosely behind her back as her head turns from side to side, glancing at the various storefronts we pass.
Her eyes linger on colorful displays and hanging trinkets, curiosity flickering through her expression. For someone who carries herself like a decorated knight, she looks oddly at peace weaving through a marketplace like this.
Meanwhile, I trail just behind her, still rubbing my lower back, wondering how a simple poke could feel like a critical strike.
But then, I suppose I also used to do that with Albo.
“So this is what it feels like.”